bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
worst night to have a conscience
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
what if I'm pregnant?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!