Texts From Last Night · chromelungz's Favorites

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE

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(516): View more from New York

People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.

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(646): View more from New York

also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever

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(304): View more from West Virginia

How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers

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(519): View more from Ontario

I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.

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(713): View more from Texas

I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are

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(636): View more from Missouri

I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window

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(256): View more from Alabama

If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.

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(845): View more from New York

I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode

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(217): View more from Illinois

My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser

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(253): View more from Washington

I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

That is beautiful

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.

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(310): View more from California

Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?

(951): View more from California

You told me to go grocery shopping.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you ever just feel like an organ is failing?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(914): View more from New York

I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE

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(812): View more from Indiana

Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.

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(512): View more from Texas

You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it

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(503): View more from Oregon

Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good

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(646): View more from New York

NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.

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(707): View more from California

in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.

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(858): View more from California

I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

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(613): View more from Ontario

he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.

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(512): View more from Texas

gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night

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(210): View more from Texas

Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"

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(514): View more from Quebec

apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island

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(818): View more from California

Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.

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(310): View more from California

Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.

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(530): View more from California

I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage

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(518): View more from New York

Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

That's a really terrible idea.

(734): View more from Michigan

Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..

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(801): View more from Utah

I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt

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(818): View more from California

I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly

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(549): View more from

Just put me in your contacts as coyote

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(850): View more from Florida

My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito

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(616): View more from Michigan

After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.

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(210): View more from Texas

You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

(662): View more from Mississippi

That's a beautiful sentiment.

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(586): View more from Michigan

And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one

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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him

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(773): View more from Illinois

Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom

(862): View more from New Jersey

I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan

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(850): View more from Florida

His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.

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(775): View more from Nevada

One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way

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(317): View more from Indiana

Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.

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(317): View more from Indiana

IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.

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(631): View more from New York

speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.

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(706): View more from Georgia

But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".

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(847): View more from Illinois

and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.

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(206): View more from Washington

I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns

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(778): View more from British Columbia

"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Are you ok?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night

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(301): View more from Maryland

You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks

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(226): View more from Ontario

We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.

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(520): View more from Arizona

No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass

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(231): View more from Michigan

I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up

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(947): View more from Michigan

if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee

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(828): View more from North Carolina

SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo

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(309): View more from Illinois

I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito

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(636): View more from Missouri

I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress

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(708): View more from Illinois

he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.

(708): View more from Illinois

Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix

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(330): View more from Ohio

You have plans tonight?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(631): View more from New York

I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".

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(819): View more from Quebec

I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter

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(727): View more from Florida

I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!

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(727): View more from Florida

He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.

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(248): View more from Michigan

In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(330): View more from Ohio

You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.

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(310): View more from California

Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.

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(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do

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(585): View more from New York

I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

That was so not worth putting pants on for.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck

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(309): View more from Illinois

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".

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(916): View more from California

My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.

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(760): View more from California

Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): View more from North Dakota

That's true love, there.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.

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(718): View more from New York

Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.

(616): View more from Michigan

is that what this stuff is?

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(269): View more from Michigan

CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(913): View more from Kansas

speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?

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(719): View more from Colorado

"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages

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(503): View more from Oregon

My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.

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(424): View more from California

at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went

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(518): View more from New York

I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!

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(443): View more from Maryland

This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(425): View more from Washington

I think my nap took me to another dimension

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds

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(613): View more from Ontario

We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.

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(419): View more from Ohio

you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot

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(904): View more from Florida

Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes

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(386): View more from Florida

Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.

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(323): View more from California

He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?

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(727): View more from Florida

I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(+33): View more from France

I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline

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(248): View more from Michigan

this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.

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(850): View more from Florida

I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(315): View more from New York

I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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(707): View more from California

Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.

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(386): View more from Florida

Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve

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(440): View more from Ohio

You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude

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(443): View more from Maryland

The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?

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(909): View more from California

An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

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(713): View more from Texas

Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE

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(440): View more from Ohio

From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.

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(813): View more from Florida

I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.

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(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.

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(818): View more from California

ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous

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(248): View more from Michigan

Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.

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(818): View more from California

I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON

(309): View more from Illinois

THE MOOOOOOOON

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.

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