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Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
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