Texts From Last Night

nairbynairb's Favorites Texts:

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  (636): View more from Missouri

  2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Please tell me those aren't related.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  I made rice.

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  (636): 2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap? (314): Please tell me those aren't related. (636): I made rice. http://tfl.nu/b642
  Replies (2) Good night (233) Bad night (826)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.

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  (508): Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada. http://tfl.nu/kq1p
  Replies (5) Good night (176) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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  (613): All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real. http://tfl.nu/5379
  Replies (10) Good night (2093) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I was emotionally compromised.

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  (615): Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really? (423): I was emotionally compromised. http://tfl.nu/irpq
  Replies (1) Good night (570) Bad night (247)
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  (298): View more from

  The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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  (298): The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations. (208): You're the only meteorologist I listen to. http://tfl.nu/2k8s
  Replies (3) Good night (1713) Bad night (193)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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  (623): Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing. http://tfl.nu/8dgm
  Replies (8) Good night (1742) Bad night (192)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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  (312): When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close http://tfl.nu/wkbe
  Replies (12) Good night (1426) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

  (226): View more from Ontario

  did I at least say anything...

  (519): View more from Ontario

  you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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  (519): we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom... (226): did I at least say anything... (519): you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living http://tfl.nu/vjjh
  Replies (6) Good night (1806) Bad night (249)
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  (949): View more from California

  I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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  (949): I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea http://tfl.nu/q7zc
  Replies (5) Good night (447) Bad night (1028) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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  (330): STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big. http://tfl.nu/njru
  Replies (4) Good night (1346) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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  (713): Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon. http://tfl.nu/r8yq
  Replies (4) Good night (1142) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge

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  (208): You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge http://tfl.nu/7xq9
  Replies (8) Good night (347) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51686) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56837) Bad night (4687)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80183) Bad night (4305) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.

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  (+44): Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs. http://tfl.nu/l0tw
  Replies (8) Good night (533) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
  Replies (9) Good night (1437) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover

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  (614): It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover http://tfl.nu/1h1b
  Replies (4) Good night (666) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

  (716): View more from New York

  If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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  (716): Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you? (716): If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love http://tfl.nu/boug
  Replies (1) Good night (758) Bad night (252)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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  (817): You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres. http://tfl.nu/or4y
  Replies (3) Good night (1576) Bad night (213)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
  Replies (10) Good night (1897) Bad night (316)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring

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  (269): They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring http://tfl.nu/up4a
  Replies (4) Good night (1544) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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  (513): hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment" http://tfl.nu/qbsp
  Replies (9) Good night (1718) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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  (740): I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up. http://tfl.nu/a16r
  Replies (4) Good night (1150) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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  (801): I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole. http://tfl.nu/xl47
  Replies (11) Good night (458) Bad night (1934) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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  (412): I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised. http://tfl.nu/nqg7
  Replies (9) Good night (1827) Bad night (864)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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  (248): He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall. http://tfl.nu/m004
  Replies (10) Good night (2150) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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  (623): I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future. http://tfl.nu/v5m6
  Replies (10) Good night (1471) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
  Replies (12) Good night (4698) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
  Replies (10) Good night (3257) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
  Replies (12) Good night (9899) Bad night (1067)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

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  (515): I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out http://tfl.nu/6wgt
  Replies (4) Good night (1458) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (44): View more from United Kingdom

  All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet

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  (44): All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet http://tfl.nu/lx51
  Replies (3) Good night (649) Bad night (1397)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  no way

  (519): View more from Ontario

  that's when i decided you were gonna be okay

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  (519): you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese" (1-519): no way (519): that's when i decided you were gonna be okay http://tfl.nu/clro
  Replies (1) Good night (1345) Bad night (318)
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  (951): View more from California

  He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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  (951): He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later". http://tfl.nu/gid9
  Replies (12) Good night (777) Bad night (1186) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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  (252): I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds http://tfl.nu/g7b7
  Replies (5) Good night (812) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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  (760): I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired. http://tfl.nu/xk23
  Replies (4) Good night (845) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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  (205): High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead. http://tfl.nu/efrd
  Replies (11) Good night (2446) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.

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  (573): Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl. http://tfl.nu/slvk
  Replies (4) Good night (465) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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  (850): If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/8h92
  Replies (7) Good night (1572) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

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  (612): Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked. http://tfl.nu/oddr
  Replies (8) Good night (1356) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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  (205): Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation. http://tfl.nu/ln89
  Replies (3) Good night (1280) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.

  (281): View more from Texas

  You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...

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  (972): So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you. (281): You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it... http://tfl.nu/s196
  Replies (4) Good night (1115) Bad night (502)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
  Replies (6) Good night (3514) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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  (310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m
  Replies (5) Good night (2177) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Did I change midway through last night?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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  (503): Did I change midway through last night? (206): Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking http://tfl.nu/rz21
  Replies (2) Good night (2054) Bad night (316)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

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  (401): You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous. http://tfl.nu/cb7r
  Replies (4) Good night (1220) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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  (906): Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work. http://tfl.nu/815e
  Replies (13) Good night (932) Bad night (2689) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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  (631): Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole http://tfl.nu/78ec
  Replies (7) Good night (2701) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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  (773): she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xysb
  Replies (11) Good night (1646) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

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  (207): Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/jzfa
  Replies (2) Good night (465) Bad night (1176) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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  (229): As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win. http://tfl.nu/omjw
  Replies (2) Good night (1379) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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  (860): How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex. http://tfl.nu/eztj
  Replies (8) Good night (1828) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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  (206): Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/pnkf
  Replies (4) Good night (1896) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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  (843): I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are. http://tfl.nu/lq46
  Replies (4) Good night (2033) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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  (802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel. http://tfl.nu/xk67
  Replies (11) Good night (1826) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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  (618): His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark. http://tfl.nu/bjsg
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml

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  (507): The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it h http://tfl.nu/rzj1
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Elaborate

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Strip Mario-Kart

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  (224): My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream. (312): Elaborate (224): Strip Mario-Kart http://tfl.nu/xw36
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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  (417): Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink. http://tfl.nu/412l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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  (214): I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me http://tfl.nu/sx3p
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

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  (440): she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even http://tfl.nu/5199
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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  (404): Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.

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  (202): Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked. http://tfl.nu/s7s6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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  (201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. http://tfl.nu/tcyr
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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  (812): I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand. http://tfl.nu/31me
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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  (+44): My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head. http://tfl.nu/1t8h
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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  (207): It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now http://tfl.nu/zpim
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

  (323): View more from California

  If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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  (310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity." (323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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  (402): On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever. http://tfl.nu/nvjj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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  (814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day." http://tfl.nu/1vs8
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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  (319): Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock. http://tfl.nu/6tse
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth

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  (705): I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth http://tfl.nu/7ynn
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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  (406): I would watch the shit out of some full house right now. http://tfl.nu/5ksj
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  (903): View more from Texas

  All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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  (903): All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed. http://tfl.nu/pos0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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  (678): I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE! http://tfl.nu/ve9p
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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  (936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me. http://tfl.nu/du0t
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  (727): View more from Florida

  If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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  (727): If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take. http://tfl.nu/cnz2
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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  (775): I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH http://tfl.nu/ef88
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.

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  (270): I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/aek1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (516): View more from New York

  my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly

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  (516): my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly http://tfl.nu/e7hc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.

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  (503): I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes. http://tfl.nu/0nvq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet

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  (480): We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet http://tfl.nu/q54w
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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  (703): The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night. (703): The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie. http://tfl.nu/hgcg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?

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  (305): Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can? http://tfl.nu/kckv
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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  (973): I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst. http://tfl.nu/4se8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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  (215): took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours http://tfl.nu/otx8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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  (617): hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?" http://tfl.nu/pq50
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.

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  (602): JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS. http://tfl.nu/m8yh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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  (413): I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened. http://tfl.nu/qzdq
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (984): View more from North Carolina

  i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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  (984): i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight. http://tfl.nu/cncx
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.

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  (404): Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend. http://tfl.nu/3in8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

  (352): View more from Florida

  Like they're going to fly away?

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  (407): I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much (352): Like they're going to fly away? http://tfl.nu/z6w4
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  (914): View more from New York

  He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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  (914): He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will. http://tfl.nu/096i
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  (914): View more from New York

  If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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  (914): If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls. http://tfl.nu/qfqf
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

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  (302): Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom. http://tfl.nu/7x02
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  (714): View more from California

  my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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  (714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused. http://tfl.nu/3089
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.

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  (+44): You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4. http://tfl.nu/tyhh
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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  (+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together. http://tfl.nu/r78i
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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  (587): Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?! http://tfl.nu/tyzg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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  (303): You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller (1-303): I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth http://tfl.nu/tary
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.

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  (314): This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem. http://tfl.nu/8m5o
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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  (402): What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something? http://tfl.nu/b3em
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.

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  (850): I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again. http://tfl.nu/731o
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  (760): View more from California

  I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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  (760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor

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  (580): There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor http://tfl.nu/zpbq
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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  (907): I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone? (810): shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you http://tfl.nu/u0b0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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  (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl

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  (314): The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl http://tfl.nu/c78c
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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  (423): I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees http://tfl.nu/90bg
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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  (604): Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer," http://tfl.nu/po39
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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  (519): I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow.. http://tfl.nu/bd79
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?

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  (307): WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT? http://tfl.nu/38wl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

  (1+44): View more from

  When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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  (+44): You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man. (1+44): When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree. http://tfl.nu/esvb
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  (518): View more from New York

  They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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  (518): They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me. (1-518): Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props. http://tfl.nu/pv50
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

  (1-471): View more from

  That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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  (417): So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history. (1-471): That's all you talk about when you are wasted. http://tfl.nu/3q4b
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.

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  (469): Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved. http://tfl.nu/jqlw
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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  (432): I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good? http://tfl.nu/n0mc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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  (757): almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight. http://tfl.nu/a50k
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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  (330): All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule. http://tfl.nu/83wx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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  (920): fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome. http://tfl.nu/la0v
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
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  (850): View more from Florida

  so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

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  (850): so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time". http://tfl.nu/gojq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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  (248): For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought http://tfl.nu/myue
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe

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  (570): All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe http://tfl.nu/7ueb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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  (651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win (608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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  (201): He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/ws8z
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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  (413): Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option) http://tfl.nu/d3t6
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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  (641): I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women. (515): That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage. http://tfl.nu/mozw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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  (480): its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore http://tfl.nu/mq1v
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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  (314): Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won http://tfl.nu/r5as
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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  (978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m
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