Texts From Last Night

ccorn9's Favorites Texts:

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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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  (507): I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache http://tfl.nu/4l2z
  Replies (5) Good night (421) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  "just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.

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  (651): "just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk. http://tfl.nu/ji17
  Replies (6) Good night (833) Bad night (362)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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  (715): I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/5yhi
  Replies (6) Good night (409) Bad night (1178) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5

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  (605): Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5 http://tfl.nu/9kam
  Replies (3) Good night (955) Bad night (197)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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  (574): I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed. http://tfl.nu/w2ei
  Replies (7) Good night (1488) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
  Replies (13) Good night (2780) Bad night (367)
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  (914): View more from New York

  2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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  (914): 2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay. http://tfl.nu/1m5k
  Replies (26) Good night (1592) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

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  (337): Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm. http://tfl.nu/b44z
  Replies (7) Good night (316) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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  (513): hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment" http://tfl.nu/qbsp
  Replies (9) Good night (1720) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

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  (484): cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market http://tfl.nu/r2s5
  Replies (3) Good night (702) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

  (516): View more from New York

  then nothing in my life counts

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  (860): official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count (516): then nothing in my life counts http://tfl.nu/4fe8
  Replies (8) Good night (1667) Bad night (333)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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  (941): Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult http://tfl.nu/exna
  Replies (8) Good night (1875) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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  (407): You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/hypr
  Replies (5) Good night (473) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

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  (304): I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over. http://tfl.nu/9s58
  Replies (5) Good night (516) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard

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  (805): we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard http://tfl.nu/fmkh
  Replies (4) Good night (1665) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

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  (361): I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body http://tfl.nu/4g9m
  Replies (3) Good night (866) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  How high are you?

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  (561): Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter. (1-561): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/9cbn
  Replies (18) Good night (749) Bad night (1341)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
  Replies (17) Good night (7707) Bad night (1908) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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  (870): I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god. http://tfl.nu/nsks
  Replies (8) Good night (2381) Bad night (1130) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.

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  (601): I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents. http://tfl.nu/vupc
  Replies (17) Good night (2588) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.

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  (612): i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough. http://tfl.nu/e9ws
  Replies (1) Good night (1035) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.

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  (613): Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say. http://tfl.nu/8sw1
  Replies (20) Good night (647) Bad night (9371) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

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  (250): I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick. http://tfl.nu/pl6y
  Replies (18) Good night (845) Bad night (1749) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.

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  (713): Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes. http://tfl.nu/esis
  Replies (1) Good night (832) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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  (508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg
  Replies (10) Good night (4138) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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  (224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k
  Replies (12) Good night (1267) Bad night (3749) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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  (252): it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet http://tfl.nu/si54
  Replies (6) Good night (2062) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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  (828): i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed http://tfl.nu/hltv
  Replies (3) Good night (1358) Bad night (2127) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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  (520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z
  Replies (4) Good night (4978) Bad night (727)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here

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  (614): We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here http://tfl.nu/ha0m
  Replies (5) Good night (1257) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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  (937): Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either http://tfl.nu/8shq
  Replies (27) Good night (841) Bad night (5126) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.

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  (520): I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people. http://tfl.nu/38n6
  Replies (6) Good night (608) Bad night (1081) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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  (815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr
  Replies (6) Good night (3251) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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  (856): It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk. http://tfl.nu/u52z
  Replies (19) Good night (3697) Bad night (1465) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
  Replies (11) Good night (3105) Bad night (463)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear

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  (719): I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear http://tfl.nu/cplq
  Replies (1) Good night (972) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
  Replies (28) Good night (1305) Bad night (5189) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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  (239): Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..." http://tfl.nu/k8r7
  Replies (15) Good night (639) Bad night (2162) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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  (870): Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk? http://tfl.nu/4pki
  Replies (9) Good night (503) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

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  (501): I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho. http://tfl.nu/d92o
  Replies (16) Good night (1232) Bad night (439)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles. 

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  (+44): Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles. http://tfl.nu/yunu
  Replies (3) Good night (3677) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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  (310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4
  Replies (10) Good night (4206) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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  (931): please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice http://tfl.nu/enb2
  Replies (7) Good night (2821) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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  (602): just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober http://tfl.nu/68n1
  Replies (10) Good night (2985) Bad night (932)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.

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  (508): I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn. http://tfl.nu/62bv
  Replies (10) Good night (545) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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  (709): By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco. http://tfl.nu/8qs4
  Replies (11) Good night (2117) Bad night (1317) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

  (1-650): View more from California

  i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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  (650): Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp (1-650): i loe djcudia fjxos rue. http://tfl.nu/pfpy
  Replies (15) Good night (2603) Bad night (954)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?

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  (832): Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing? http://tfl.nu/oh1w
  Replies (10) Good night (714) Bad night (398)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy

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  (201): Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy http://tfl.nu/ijnw
  Replies (1) Good night (774) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.

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  (309): I almost lit my balls on fire tonight. http://tfl.nu/1whc
  Replies (10) Good night (456) Bad night (1133) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

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  (617): did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now. http://tfl.nu/raep
  Replies (4) Good night (1475) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?

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  (832): Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life? http://tfl.nu/p6xv
  Replies (10) Good night (920) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.

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  (773): Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that. http://tfl.nu/tp3a
  Replies (8) Good night (1275) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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  (416): Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before http://tfl.nu/meit
  Replies (4) Good night (3019) Bad night (3272) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
  Replies (29) Good night (5201) Bad night (1884) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother

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  (865): I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother http://tfl.nu/1rmv
  Replies (7) Good night (1255) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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  (484): I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS. http://tfl.nu/nces
  Replies (4) Good night (2176) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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  (256): Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you. (228): Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it. http://tfl.nu/6bli
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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  (404): Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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  (918): It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin. http://tfl.nu/vso7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.

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  (847): We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love. http://tfl.nu/9pu7
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  (585): View more from New York

  javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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  (585): javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks http://tfl.nu/0lfa
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  (805): View more from California

  My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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  (805): My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit. http://tfl.nu/alyo
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'll probably be on drugs forewarning

  (503): View more from Oregon

  forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you

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  (541): i'll probably be on drugs forewarning (503): forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you http://tfl.nu/wpmw
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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  (317): A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some. http://tfl.nu/08yo
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  when are you leaving homes?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I had a sex dream about Oprah.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  go back to sleep

  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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  (302): when are you leaving homes? (610): it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51 (302): I had a sex dream about Oprah. (610): go back to sleep (302): dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah. http://tfl.nu/idf1
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

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  (719): Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming. http://tfl.nu/flfj
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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  (402): You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people http://tfl.nu/4rzl
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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  (312): When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad? http://tfl.nu/0o5n
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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  (281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9
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  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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  (609): She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self http://tfl.nu/w7zw
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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  (423): I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit. http://tfl.nu/5kq2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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  (913): Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry. http://tfl.nu/57v9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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  (724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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  (440): Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore http://tfl.nu/9n7j
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand

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  (304): I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand http://tfl.nu/6s03
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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  (785): When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die. http://tfl.nu/c7go
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things

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  (734): I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things http://tfl.nu/lt0n
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

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  (416): It's like shitshowville, population: those girls. http://tfl.nu/vlzn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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  (816): So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta http://tfl.nu/t0pt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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  (616): my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave. (1-616): does that include her cleaning your bowl? http://tfl.nu/8sts
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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  (650): i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating. http://tfl.nu/do4w
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  (310): View more from California

  Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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  (310): Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children? http://tfl.nu/23ha
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  (845): View more from New York

  I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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  (845): I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that http://tfl.nu/j3rv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  Ya that ship has sailed dude

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  (317): The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh. (1-317): Ya that ship has sailed dude http://tfl.nu/5hyc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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  (917): She saved the condom from the first time we did it. http://tfl.nu/b22a
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

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  (214): I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002. http://tfl.nu/v8jb
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  (518): View more from New York

  I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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  (518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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  (267): your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats http://tfl.nu/u2vh
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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  (902): Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN. http://tfl.nu/l8um
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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  (435): I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read http://tfl.nu/7a19
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  (369): View more from California

  Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?

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  (369): Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night? http://tfl.nu/oh80
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with

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  (989): Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with http://tfl.nu/ctqs
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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  (316): I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/8zh1
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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  (416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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  (847): This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword. http://tfl.nu/au8n
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  (253): View more from Washington

  sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...

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  (253): sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident... http://tfl.nu/dmae
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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  (915): Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere? http://tfl.nu/8ktc
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  (408): View more from California

  Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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  (408): Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something. http://tfl.nu/it4y
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did she buy you pizza?

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  (610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around. (215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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  (678): Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before http://tfl.nu/x76s
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  (407): View more from Florida

  That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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  (407): That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan. http://tfl.nu/f7sf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it

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  (717): And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it http://tfl.nu/tlm9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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  (850): It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me http://tfl.nu/a5dr
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  (415): View more from California

  sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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  (415): sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/mg5e
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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  (757): broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo http://tfl.nu/o3pc
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  (44): View more from United Kingdom

  I think he just caught a duck in mid flight

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  (44): I think he just caught a duck in mid flight http://tfl.nu/qjp2
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  (561): View more from Florida

  There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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  (561): There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it http://tfl.nu/iil4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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  (201): The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint http://tfl.nu/xmhe
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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  (407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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  (240): Apparently you can coat check a keg. http://tfl.nu/sdmi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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  (847): I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around. http://tfl.nu/b39f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.

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  (847): Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before. http://tfl.nu/p6ld
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.

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  (507): My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu. http://tfl.nu/j0iq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.

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  (505): Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got. http://tfl.nu/7wlw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me

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  (850): Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me http://tfl.nu/sziw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

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  (832): No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare. http://tfl.nu/aa8b
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  (772): View more from Florida

  remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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  (772): remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night. http://tfl.nu/s4kw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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  (480): Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions." http://tfl.nu/c9eh
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch

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  (813): Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch http://tfl.nu/bywg
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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  (515): I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes. http://tfl.nu/92xn
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.

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  (919): Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it. http://tfl.nu/kkz9
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby

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  (812): I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby http://tfl.nu/u8rx
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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  (931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...

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  (704): So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ... http://tfl.nu/bcgx
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  (562): View more from California

  Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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  (562): Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on http://tfl.nu/30zy
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
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  (207): View more from Maine

  my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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  (207): my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility. http://tfl.nu/43su
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

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  (705): I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka. http://tfl.nu/tvfv
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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  (252): she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her? http://tfl.nu/iav7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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  (202): I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now. http://tfl.nu/oo06
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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  (608): Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend http://tfl.nu/d6xp
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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  (513): You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm. http://tfl.nu/60sn
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  (916): View more from California

  My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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  (916): My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina. http://tfl.nu/c849
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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  (401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically. http://tfl.nu/4j6y
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

  (773): View more from Illinois

  SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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  (617): So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex (773): SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard? http://tfl.nu/5vnv
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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  (504): I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off... http://tfl.nu/wbci
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.

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  (360): Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover. http://tfl.nu/pu5x
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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  (804): For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor http://tfl.nu/12jc
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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  (253): So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas http://tfl.nu/0wvi
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

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  (972): I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break. http://tfl.nu/fgur
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

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  (931): i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman. http://tfl.nu/vuix
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?

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  (402): Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge? http://tfl.nu/w4hy
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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  (734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams. 

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  (404): Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.  http://tfl.nu/pssg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (714): View more from California

  Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

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  (714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again. http://tfl.nu/2ucs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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  (513): Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/y1zp
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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  (603): to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald. http://tfl.nu/pb1j
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining

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  (541): oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining http://tfl.nu/nogg
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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  (608): I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home http://tfl.nu/rt92
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.

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  (484): she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard. http://tfl.nu/xcqc
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  (949): View more from California

  My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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  (949): My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit http://tfl.nu/1azl
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
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  (850): View more from Florida

  it's great music for shaving your balls

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  (850): it's great music for shaving your balls http://tfl.nu/etrw
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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  (214): You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp http://tfl.nu/t0a5
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

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  (808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION. http://tfl.nu/42zd
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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  (250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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  (734): I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover http://tfl.nu/93w3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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  (720): So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword. http://tfl.nu/ujgp
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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  (217): he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon... http://tfl.nu/u7gi
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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  (907): Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/278e
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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  (256): this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man. http://tfl.nu/hhwz
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

  (928): View more from Arizona

  a cake, in the toilet

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  (602): you'll never guess what i found when i got home... (928): a cake, in the toilet http://tfl.nu/md4l
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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  (513): I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration http://tfl.nu/y2rq
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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  (586): My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage. http://tfl.nu/u2i7
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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  (240): Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't. http://tfl.nu/mosr
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
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  (707): View more from California

  do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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  (707): do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me http://tfl.nu/4f25
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  (818): View more from California

  you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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  (818): you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel. http://tfl.nu/uvlc
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.

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  (317): I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket. http://tfl.nu/1ame
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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  (515): What did I eat last night that was bloody? http://tfl.nu/5wrj
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday

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  (262): The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday http://tfl.nu/kdkl
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him

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  (416): He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him http://tfl.nu/ykad
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  ...the American dream.

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  (812): Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit. (1-812): ...the American dream. http://tfl.nu/qt7c
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
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