I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dating After Heartbreak
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's great music for shaving your balls
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.