The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Found your dick twin last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just googled if crying burns calories
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
this will be a night to untag.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.