Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up