The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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