so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
this is an emotional support booty call
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i need some magic done to my vagina
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.