he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I told you penises don't tan
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?