Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.