Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
whose parrot is this?
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just pee around me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Use "feeling words"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow