Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
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