She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...