so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
