Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.