I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Banned from zoo.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.