So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Cold hands, warm shart.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
what if I'm pregnant?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i can juggle bunnies
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
youre lurking in front of me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"