Texts From Last Night

paigesings's Favorites Texts:

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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
  Replies (4) Good night (1635) Bad night (256)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.

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  (302): As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial. http://tfl.nu/egux
  Replies (4) Good night (1485) Bad night (259)
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  (949): View more from California

  the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?

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  (949): the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real? http://tfl.nu/2sta
  Replies (2) Good night (1538) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
  Replies (18) Good night (1581) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
  Replies (2) Good night (1772) Bad night (240)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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  (705): My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class. http://tfl.nu/olmr
  Replies (16) Good night (1853) Bad night (251)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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  (614): My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep. http://tfl.nu/ua0k
  Replies (12) Good night (2379) Bad night (367)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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  (617): You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33. (1-617): you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight http://tfl.nu/rpjk
  Replies (5) Good night (1847) Bad night (291)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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  (503): Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you. http://tfl.nu/ee0n
  Replies (5) Good night (2029) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
  Replies (4) Good night (2161) Bad night (276)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS

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  (724): SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS http://tfl.nu/2482
  Replies (5) Good night (506) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

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  (317): SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON. http://tfl.nu/7e01
  Replies (3) Good night (892) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (569): View more from

  we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

  (784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

  it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

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  (569): we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh (784): it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. http://tfl.nu/bl8m
  Replies (0) Good night (875) Bad night (186)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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  (509): Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night... http://tfl.nu/llkl
  Replies (7) Good night (713) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
  Replies (28) Good night (10931) Bad night (1528)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?

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  (859): Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record? http://tfl.nu/se6e
  Replies (6) Good night (1516) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...

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  (814): Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September... http://tfl.nu/x7my
  Replies (5) Good night (1647) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
  Replies (12) Good night (3549) Bad night (537)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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  (617): A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck? http://tfl.nu/zk7d
  Replies (13) Good night (3449) Bad night (532)
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  (408): View more from California

  We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.

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  (408): We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn. http://tfl.nu/p0jo
  Replies (18) Good night (1131) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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  (863): I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life. http://tfl.nu/jtja
  Replies (8) Good night (2501) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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  (516): I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me http://tfl.nu/lsz4
  Replies (16) Good night (2771) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him

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  (609): His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him http://tfl.nu/rlb9
  Replies (6) Good night (1271) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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  (403): So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine... http://tfl.nu/hixx
  Replies (12) Good night (3672) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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  (609): This ER has an aquarium in it!!! http://tfl.nu/uric
  Replies (11) Good night (1656) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.

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  (850) Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen. http://tfl.nu/kqm3
  Replies (2) Good night (895) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
  Replies (27) Good night (3263) Bad night (509)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Why am I always the sober one?

  (641): View more from Iowa

  Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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  (515): Why am I always the sober one? (641): Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power... http://tfl.nu/bz1n
  Replies (4) Good night (1546) Bad night (359)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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  (425): Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it. http://tfl.nu/epgz
  Replies (2) Good night (701) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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  (760): You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral. http://tfl.nu/a5j3
  Replies (4) Good night (1100) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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  (720): So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword. http://tfl.nu/ujgp
  Replies (15) Good night (1780) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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  (678): When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was? http://tfl.nu/rsyp
  Replies (3) Good night (1747) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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  (912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem
  Replies (18) Good night (7212) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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  (773): Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important. http://tfl.nu/scnm
  Replies (3) Good night (1232) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yes and yes

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  (920): Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend? (1-920): Yes and yes http://tfl.nu/cdzo
  Replies (4) Good night (2001) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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  (480): It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood. http://tfl.nu/ktz5
  Replies (4) Good night (1755) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

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  (816): I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen. http://tfl.nu/atwf
  Replies (10) Good night (2974) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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  (512): Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon http://tfl.nu/vd4z
  Replies (9) Good night (1901) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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  (731): He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver. http://tfl.nu/fyob
  Replies (8) Good night (1910) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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  (216): Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left. http://tfl.nu/jvbq
  Replies (6) Good night (1416) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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  (203): If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche? http://tfl.nu/avjw
  Replies (22) Good night (2877) Bad night (693)
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
  Replies (18) Good night (12664) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
  Replies (42) Good night (12758) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
  Replies (47) Good night (12805) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
  Replies (11) Good night (13039) Bad night (1077)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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  (270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe
  Replies (27) Good night (13033) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
  Replies (56) Good night (13466) Bad night (1337) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
  Replies (15) Good night (13699) Bad night (1041)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
  Replies (35) Good night (13605) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
  Replies (60) Good night (13707) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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  (815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked http://tfl.nu/ct4t
  Replies (23) Good night (13816) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
  Replies (39) Good night (13968) Bad night (901)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
  Replies (42) Good night (14283) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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  (519): I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that. http://tfl.nu/jia8
  Replies (110) Good night (14505) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
  Replies (41) Good night (14880) Bad night (1010) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15803) Bad night (823)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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  (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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  (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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  (847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be http://tfl.nu/8bju
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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  (214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love http://tfl.nu/tjul
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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  (+44): I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back http://tfl.nu/kyt1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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  (623): Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to. http://tfl.nu/084z
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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  (402): Get your penis over here NOW. emergency http://tfl.nu/eywx
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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  (215): I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory... (1-215): just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!" http://tfl.nu/238t
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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  (724): I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging. http://tfl.nu/fmu5
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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  (864): Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some. http://tfl.nu/bkik
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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  (740): Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon. (1-740): When in doubt always reply with bacon. http://tfl.nu/8s4u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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  (330): OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM. http://tfl.nu/cuq6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
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  (607): View more from New York

  Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

  (426): View more from

  So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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  (607): Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy. (426): So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee. http://tfl.nu/cx81
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

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  (520): I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special. http://tfl.nu/erlc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
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  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

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  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
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  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.

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  (203): A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM. http://tfl.nu/tstz
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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  (250): Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys. http://tfl.nu/97m7
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note

  (1+44): View more from

  Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!

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  (+44): Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note (1+44): Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud! http://tfl.nu/x31j
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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  (417): You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make http://tfl.nu/3d29
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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  (512): I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate! http://tfl.nu/aytf
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