You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dating After Heartbreak
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!