me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
even my farts smell like vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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