We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
wakey wakey hands off snakey
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
one two three fourrrrnication!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you