It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
