after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
