Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm fucking your sister right now.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top