Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge