I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Its about making memories worth repressing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.