Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You can't motorboat a personality
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.