When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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