Texts From Last Night

kaseyalayne's Favorites Texts:

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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19436) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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  (315): i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them http://tfl.nu/qx93
  Replies (13) Good night (3769) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
  Replies (21) Good night (5557) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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  (505): While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/0pt9
  Replies (9) Good night (3758) Bad night (765)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
  Replies (29) Good night (6113) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (10936) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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  (207): Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices http://tfl.nu/clic
  Replies (34) Good night (7030) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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  (516): He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue http://tfl.nu/ydk6
  Replies (6) Good night (5304) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
  Replies (18) Good night (1090) Bad night (6254) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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  (212): I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for http://tfl.nu/q18v
  Replies (9) Good night (370) Bad night (1463) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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  (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them http://tfl.nu/zk8b
  Replies (7) Good night (2527) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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  (+27): My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos. http://tfl.nu/d1hj
  Replies (16) Good night (1983) Bad night (4338) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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  (540): you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out" http://tfl.nu/77z0
  Replies (16) Good night (4187) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
  Replies (13) Good night (9446) Bad night (523)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (86) Good night (13613) Bad night (2319) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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  (813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89
  Replies (19) Good night (6922) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
  Replies (57) Good night (11552) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (409): View more from Texas

  so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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  (409): so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister http://tfl.nu/4kg0
  Replies (56) Good night (8659) Bad night (2165) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12123) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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  (630): The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking. http://tfl.nu/uq3n
  Replies (47) Good night (6223) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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  (864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8
  Replies (10) Good night (4962) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?

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  (401): This isn't the rejection hotline, is it? http://tfl.nu/jrbs
  Replies (17) Good night (462) Bad night (3316) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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  (480): Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy http://tfl.nu/pa3a
  Replies (32) Good night (1992) Bad night (3236) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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  (337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think... (985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb http://tfl.nu/zhoe
  Replies (13) Good night (562) Bad night (884)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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  (505): You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night http://tfl.nu/jwrk
  Replies (14) Good night (4318) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  it was a mass text i'm sorry

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

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  (410): it was a mass text i'm sorry (603): do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text? http://tfl.nu/ja5x
  Replies (18) Good night (3609) Bad night (928)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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  (248): you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion." http://tfl.nu/tkud
  Replies (12) Good night (5239) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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  (586): Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule? http://tfl.nu/p75m
  Replies (13) Good night (4269) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.

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  (713): All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/461a
  Replies (32) Good night (1267) Bad night (2337) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
  Replies (21) Good night (14002) Bad night (767)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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  (201): just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit. http://tfl.nu/jcis
  Replies (16) Good night (4554) Bad night (1354) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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  (919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4
  Replies (11) Good night (5062) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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  (707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53
  Replies (15) Good night (5793) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (184) Good night (53948) Bad night (4175)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
  Replies (117) Good night (43647) Bad night (2951) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39830) Bad night (3547)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (196) Good night (76747) Bad night (3808) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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  (917): I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom. http://tfl.nu/7aa5
  Replies (65) Good night (6108) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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  (856): Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray?? http://tfl.nu/zh2p
  Replies (36) Good night (916) Bad night (3802) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Ur type is ready and willing

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  (503): PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type... (515): Ur type is ready and willing http://tfl.nu/9xaj
  Replies (13) Good night (1307) Bad night (311)
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
  Replies (42) Good night (13729) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  I absolutely love you.

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  (360): We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it. (1-360): I absolutely love you. http://tfl.nu/vd5p
  Replies (39) Good night (10150) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

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  (626): that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress. http://tfl.nu/stra
  Replies (21) Good night (526) Bad night (4808) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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  (403): I don't remember. Are we still dating? http://tfl.nu/s8nn
  Replies (21) Good night (957) Bad night (5141) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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  (443): God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse. http://tfl.nu/g7w2
  Replies (18) Good night (3748) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  hell yes lets make some ravioli

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  (949): hell yes lets make some ravioli http://tfl.nu/0xmr
  Replies (9) Good night (2038) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (19355) Bad night (1409)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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  (702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation? http://tfl.nu/6nb1
  Replies (16) Good night (6801) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
  Replies (63) Good night (22927) Bad night (1208)
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  (707): View more from California

  I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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  (707): I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!" http://tfl.nu/i1ig
  Replies (16) Good night (918) Bad night (3967) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
  Replies (76) Good night (15585) Bad night (1515)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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  (504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl http://tfl.nu/0j8b
  Replies (15) Good night (501) Bad night (2122) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
  Replies (16) Good night (6993) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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  (303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12
  Replies (14) Good night (6193) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
  Replies (56) Good night (7656) Bad night (2157)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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  (330): Every perfect package comes with a warning label. http://tfl.nu/x7rd
  Replies (24) Good night (3474) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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  (757): And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate." http://tfl.nu/e62b
  Replies (11) Good night (6676) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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  (778): I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now (604): That's weird, I usually just count sheep http://tfl.nu/h1kv
  Replies (14) Good night (749) Bad night (3056)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

  (631): View more from New York

  Cruelly.

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  (631): I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away. (631): Cruelly. http://tfl.nu/5k20
  Replies (23) Good night (3739) Bad night (927)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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  (224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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  (727): You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on. http://tfl.nu/u7oz
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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  (847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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  (864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?! http://tfl.nu/q1jx
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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  (316): I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex" http://tfl.nu/rqj6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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  (443): The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of. http://tfl.nu/c44a
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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  (305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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  (413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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  (985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg
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  (904): View more from Florida

  watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..

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  (904): watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too.. http://tfl.nu/rujn
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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  (440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night. http://tfl.nu/4khi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  come over

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  yeah sure

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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  (214): come over (1-214): yeah sure (1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/qceh
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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  (812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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  (608): I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her. http://tfl.nu/5b2d
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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  (+61): yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4c5v
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I want to snug with you.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  You want my snuggie?

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  (248): I want to snug with you. (1-248): You want my snuggie? http://tfl.nu/npap
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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  (817): you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for http://tfl.nu/dk1d
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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  (330): She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay. http://tfl.nu/hfdj
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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  (717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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  (785): There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob. http://tfl.nu/pwq0
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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  (612): I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?" http://tfl.nu/juih
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  (916): View more from California

  She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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  (916): She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/9b1u
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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  (207): i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship http://tfl.nu/kphu
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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  (802): Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water. http://tfl.nu/oebe
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Pussy?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  how

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Wat do u mean how?

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  (248): Pussy? (586): how (248): Wat do u mean how? http://tfl.nu/4yqk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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  (860): failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm. http://tfl.nu/gfgw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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  (973): Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/ob9t
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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  (630): She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xep7
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all

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  (980): you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all http://tfl.nu/ifyj
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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  (404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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  (303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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  (704): My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to http://tfl.nu/cyq1
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  we're making bets on your personal life

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  (603): we're making bets on your personal life http://tfl.nu/b50k
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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  (615): a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv http://tfl.nu/wh93
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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  (586): Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you http://tfl.nu/xexu
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.

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  (229): New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents. http://tfl.nu/bhqx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  why didn't you poke me back

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  (248): why didn't you poke me back http://tfl.nu/aomd
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  (212): View more from New York

  They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.

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  (212): They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning. http://tfl.nu/4eyl
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  (310): View more from California

  He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what

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  (310): He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what http://tfl.nu/hk6f
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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  (304): You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces". http://tfl.nu/rjzc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously i just wanna be friends

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  pass

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  (508): seriously i just wanna be friends (1-508): pass http://tfl.nu/b8w4
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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  (402): I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska. http://tfl.nu/x618
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (310): View more from California

  the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

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  (310): the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights http://tfl.nu/wmcj
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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  (765): I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position. http://tfl.nu/oixi
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  k i'll be over in 5.

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  (480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds. (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice. (480): k i'll be over in 5. http://tfl.nu/rkxl
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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  (360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room http://tfl.nu/ooda
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
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  (714): View more from California

  Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

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  (714): Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros http://tfl.nu/wzjy
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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  (613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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  (828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen? (402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush. (402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all" http://tfl.nu/9htk
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  (646): View more from New York

  He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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  (646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  ... about that ...

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  (440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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  (845): i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore http://tfl.nu/w95h
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you can still come hang out if you want

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I really don't feel like watching you play video games

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  (717): you can still come hang out if you want (248): I really don't feel like watching you play video games http://tfl.nu/d4ru
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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  (440): if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret http://tfl.nu/39e1
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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  (508): I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON! http://tfl.nu/qryp
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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  (307): mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her. http://tfl.nu/aq8k
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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  (704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You drinking a lot?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  No.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Define a lot

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  (850): You drinking a lot? (1-850): No. (1-850): Define a lot http://tfl.nu/heqj
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