I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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