FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.