Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
