mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
