We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She said her name was "party"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.