I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
