New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.