i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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