Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
