she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?