I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
oh god the rape fog is back!
actually, I'm a sock model
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It was confusing and full of hummus
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think my vagina is haunted
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera