Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.