woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
