do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
