I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Be still, my beating vagina.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
a bad idea.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I chose taco bell over sex...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...