dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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