there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
