Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my being single is dangerous.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.