America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My pussy is not your playground.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my sisters under your porch take her home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm fucking your sister right now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.