Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.