Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love