need another drink. this is the easiest way
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
