All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.