Texts From Last Night

xaviorisdeath's Favorites Texts:

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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

  (323): View more from California

  yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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  (215): yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter (323): yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake http://tfl.nu/wu9k
  Replies (13) Good night (744) Bad night (1140)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.

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  (717): She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl. http://tfl.nu/9cei
  Replies (2) Good night (1249) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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  (205): I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment. http://tfl.nu/97ug
  Replies (4) Good night (1709) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.

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  (254): We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight. http://tfl.nu/fhx0
  Replies (4) Good night (1507) Bad night (457)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

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  (630): I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up. http://tfl.nu/oo6k
  Replies (4) Good night (506) Bad night (1359) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
  Replies (7) Good night (7774) Bad night (1952) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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  (207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs. http://tfl.nu/5epb
  Replies (10) Good night (3827) Bad night (1554) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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  (813): peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week http://tfl.nu/lvga
  Replies (9) Good night (2287) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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  (304): I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face http://tfl.nu/lyd3
  Replies (10) Good night (3191) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
  Replies (6) Good night (4808) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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  (902): I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother. http://tfl.nu/s7ce
  Replies (7) Good night (4167) Bad night (875)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

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  (605): and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month. http://tfl.nu/xuv1
  Replies (4) Good night (909) Bad night (2928) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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  (920): You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby". http://tfl.nu/mh0h
  Replies (2) Good night (1021) Bad night (1970) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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  (775): Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now. http://tfl.nu/j6eo
  Replies (11) Good night (3924) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
  Replies (14) Good night (5805) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.

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  (918): I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation. http://tfl.nu/6ld9
  Replies (6) Good night (849) Bad night (2641) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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  (407): I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame. http://tfl.nu/841f
  Replies (5) Good night (3492) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
  Replies (17) Good night (7703) Bad night (1906) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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  (716): I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together. http://tfl.nu/l7kg
  Replies (34) Good night (3002) Bad night (9714) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
  Replies (26) Good night (8005) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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  (617): I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch. http://tfl.nu/yicm
  Replies (13) Good night (1933) Bad night (3066) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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  (502): She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused. http://tfl.nu/76xl
  Replies (17) Good night (1925) Bad night (2535) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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  (913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka. http://tfl.nu/p6nb
  Replies (7) Good night (5551) Bad night (1018)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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  (201): It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb. http://tfl.nu/thcm
  Replies (6) Good night (5284) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (846): View more from

  he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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  (846): he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand. http://tfl.nu/15lw
  Replies (14) Good night (1539) Bad night (5022) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.

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  (909): oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas. http://tfl.nu/s25p
  Replies (8) Good night (768) Bad night (3093) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.

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  (317): Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world. http://tfl.nu/k8j3
  Replies (13) Good night (872) Bad night (2831)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.

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  (610): The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous. http://tfl.nu/sorz
  Replies (3) Good night (3382) Bad night (1087) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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  (805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out. http://tfl.nu/7h8c
  Replies (13) Good night (1322) Bad night (5023) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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  (847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends http://tfl.nu/ywa9
  Replies (14) Good night (4215) Bad night (1806) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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  (904): naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea. http://tfl.nu/s2fg
  Replies (9) Good night (2564) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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  (612): Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard http://tfl.nu/lrld
  Replies (9) Good night (1463) Bad night (2954) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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  (415): Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila http://tfl.nu/mhdt
  Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (2351) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
  Replies (42) Good night (9243) Bad night (1280)
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  (626): View more from California

  All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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  (626): All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me. http://tfl.nu/0mc8
  Replies (19) Good night (4370) Bad night (992)
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  (408): View more from California

  I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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  (408): I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/oyks
  Replies (16) Good night (3179) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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  (816): Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?! http://tfl.nu/dodw
  Replies (15) Good night (954) Bad night (6932) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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  (773): grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet. http://tfl.nu/onit
  Replies (20) Good night (4939) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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  (410): i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame http://tfl.nu/8cpc
  Replies (12) Good night (3360) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I love how my cats smell like pot.

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  (410): I love how my cats smell like pot. http://tfl.nu/85ca
  Replies (12) Good night (4418) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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  (904): I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana. http://tfl.nu/xfg3
  Replies (16) Good night (3110) Bad night (1358) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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  (504): Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/uqy7
  Replies (13) Good night (2003) Bad night (2512) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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  (517): I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high. http://tfl.nu/trcx
  Replies (20) Good night (3185) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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  (785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr
  Replies (8) Good night (3580) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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  (810): Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/9d1q
  Replies (25) Good night (1722) Bad night (5390) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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  (732): I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest http://tfl.nu/b35x
  Replies (20) Good night (5244) Bad night (1862)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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  (978): I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there. http://tfl.nu/oxsp
  Replies (9) Good night (3112) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
  Replies (28) Good night (8443) Bad night (1182)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

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  (978): he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/v7b4
  Replies (16) Good night (1404) Bad night (7246) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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  (516): I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen http://tfl.nu/keq8
  Replies (18) Good night (1154) Bad night (8686) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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  (678): Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages." http://tfl.nu/1o45
  Replies (24) Good night (1550) Bad night (14195) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
  Replies (34) Good night (1628) Bad night (9699) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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  (903): He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered... http://tfl.nu/skgw
  Replies (7) Good night (1082) Bad night (4563)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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  (425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc
  Replies (39) Good night (2304) Bad night (4837) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
  Replies (14) Good night (1532) Bad night (7088) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
  Replies (20) Good night (8759) Bad night (1201)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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  (919): Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room. http://tfl.nu/3ukp
  Replies (28) Good night (9586) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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  (+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1
  Replies (50) Good night (11090) Bad night (2382) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
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  (716): View more from New York

  Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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  (716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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  (847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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  (262): This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year" http://tfl.nu/hf6v
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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  (513): My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going http://tfl.nu/twm1
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  (716): View more from New York

  I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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  (716): I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle. http://tfl.nu/lk8z
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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  (865): His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation... http://tfl.nu/uas5
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  (347): View more from New York

  when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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  (347): when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign http://tfl.nu/d21d
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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  (253): I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex. http://tfl.nu/rq63
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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  (819): She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad http://tfl.nu/9y98
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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  (306): We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love. http://tfl.nu/cwg6
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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  (251): you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account http://tfl.nu/ufbc
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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  (619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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  (515): Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex http://tfl.nu/a38e
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.

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  (313): So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college. http://tfl.nu/hsa9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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  (404): He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/t7d5
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

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  (440): He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am. http://tfl.nu/6rv7
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  (347): View more from New York

  just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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  (347): just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner http://tfl.nu/v9ac
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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  (+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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  (541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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  (+41): I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples http://tfl.nu/80un
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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  (217): her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name... http://tfl.nu/e8r1
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach

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  (506): Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach http://tfl.nu/g758
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  (619): View more from California

  It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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  (619): It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot. http://tfl.nu/icc0
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground

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  (415): I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground http://tfl.nu/kjbx
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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  (407): I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city http://tfl.nu/5mtu
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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  (954): I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today? http://tfl.nu/ptoy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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  (201): there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke http://tfl.nu/pyjl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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  (860): i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis. http://tfl.nu/7xur
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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  (313): The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not. http://tfl.nu/y4k4
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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  (317): Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader? http://tfl.nu/orgq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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  (480): So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..." http://tfl.nu/pg8j
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy

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  (778): I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy http://tfl.nu/o3jf
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth

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  (603): it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth http://tfl.nu/hcb6
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  (805): View more from California

  Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...

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  (805): Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head... http://tfl.nu/1do3
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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  (978): dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/gwo8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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  (970): The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero http://tfl.nu/ssyk
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  (518): View more from New York

  WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

  (315): View more from New York

  ... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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  (518): WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?! (315): ... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher... http://tfl.nu/j2jz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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  (612): Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong? http://tfl.nu/gz8r
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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  (215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway... http://tfl.nu/qwxo
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  (914): View more from New York

  i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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  (914): i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls. http://tfl.nu/57re
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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  (724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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  (918): When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty http://tfl.nu/ybq4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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  (973): She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it. (201): Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella.... http://tfl.nu/9xtz
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.

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  (281): I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian. http://tfl.nu/ky2c
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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  (206): My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury.. http://tfl.nu/rawt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"

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  (302): He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!" http://tfl.nu/6j56
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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  (773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys. http://tfl.nu/g51j
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  (619): View more from California

  You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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  (619): You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. http://tfl.nu/abjc
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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  (781): I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave http://tfl.nu/vjg2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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  (319): you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met (1-319): thanks it was an honor just to be nominated http://tfl.nu/yswc
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  wow.

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  (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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  (303): i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk http://tfl.nu/s9es
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