My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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