as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.